That's what I want

Being poor sucks. 

Today I had a serious hankering to go spend some money on something cute, trendy, and frivolous. Mall-withdrawal mania, seriously. I'm a total child of consumerism. Now, I don't actually condone the culture of consumerism, all excess for the sake of excess and all, but I admit that every now and again I just need to go buy something for myself, dammit! Something cheap but adorable that I will wear into the ground! I blame this need on the fact that my mother often dragged me to the local mall with her when I was a toddler. I have many a memory of sitting on the carpet in The Limited while she tried on floral print skirts or pinstripe vests or something. A well-kept shopping mall is a haven for me. It makes me feel safe. My parents once told me they knew I had acclimated to a place once I had found the nearest mall. All these warm, fuzzy feelings for the modern shopping center take on a new meaning now that I've seen Jody Hill's dark and amazing Observe and Report, but I digress. 

If I had money to spend, I would buy these super-cute tie-dye leggings they have over at American Apparel. They could potentially look hideous on me, but how will I know if I don't go try them on in one of those shitty, drafty dressing rooms? And if they happen to actually look appealing on my person, how will I be able to leave the store without charging them to my 'emergency' credit card? Oh, the questions that torment my soul!

Next I would go on a total spree at Old Navy. ON isn't the coolest place to say when people ask where you got your kick-ass shorts, but c'mon--they have cute shit. Behold! Seriously, I love. And these too. Plus, they have the cheeeapest flip-flops in all of creation. From afar they look like they could be Havaianas. I know Havaianas aren't crazy-expensive, but I'm poor, people! Sheesh!

Finally, I would hit up the glory that is Urban Outfitters. I want to live inside you, UO. You look like the chicest, coziest hipster factory of all time, and I love you for it. I want this (in blue), this, and these (oh, god--please those!). 

Okay. That's my girly, self-loathing, consumeristic orgasm for the day. Someone please tell me I get a government stimulus direct deposit sometime very, very soon.